Episode #191: How To Self Publish-A Bob & Ted Review

The fullest moon in recent memory was out the other night {9/27}, so I thought it would be an absolutely smashing idea to grab a couple of pics to add to my growing pile of phone pics. Not bad on the spur of the moment, eh?

While I was trying to think of a topic to write about, I discovered that I haven't done a Bob & Ted review since late July. So I figured, why not? I also figured that, since I'm making the final preparations to drop around four and a half Benjamins to produce another book, this would be a great topic to have our resident flakes Bob & Ted perform a review.

Wish me luck.

~~~~~

We find Ted sitting at his desk, jotting some notes and double checking his checklist, for he decided that today was to be the day that he was gonna take that giant first step and self publish his how-to book called "How To Earn A Full Day's Pay At Any Job By Working Less Than Five Minutes Per Day."*

"Okay, let's see: Money? Check! Graphic designer? Check! Formatter? Check! Copyright registration? Check! No interference from Bob? Ch--"

"Hey! Ted! Teddy-boy! My main man Theo! Theodore!"

Pinching his eyes with his cheek muscles, Ted lets rip with a noxious release of internal combustion remnants and says, "What can I not do for you...Bob."

Since sarcasm of any kind is lost on the man-child that is Bob, Bob continues on his path of most resistance. "So Ted, have you got that thirteen page report on why we should not change our company acronym from D.O.L.T. to D.U.L.L. completed? You know I don't like it when I'm made to look like the fool."

"Yes, Bob. Here it is Bob. Just like you wanted Bob."

Bob snatches the report from Ted's hand, and as he's perusing the contents of the report, he notices some strange bits of paper covered with markings, strewn across the desk.

He closes the report and asks, "What's that strewn across your desk?"

"Notes, Bob. Haven't you ever seen handwritten notes before?"

"So that's what that is? Must be some kind of new invention. So, you have these because, why?"

Ted internally facepalms, but outwardly, he says, "Because I'm getting ready to self publish my book."

Bob leans over and sees the title of the book Ted is pointing at. "Pffft. Who in the wide, wide world of mediocrity is going to read that?"

"You would be amazed at the amount of people who would buy a self-help book like this. It's gonna be a best seller."

"Humph," says Bob as he tries to read what Ted has written but is failing miserably due to his 4th grade comprehension skills. "So, you gonna go through one of them places where they charge you an arm and two legs to publish your book?"

Stunned at the overflowing bucket of stupid oozing from Bob's pores, Ted takes a very deep breath to clear his intake valves before speaking. "Bob....that would be spending money unwisely. I am not like my employer who spends lavishly on moronically stupid things while nickel and dimeing on things that matter. I spend my money wisely on professionals. You do know what a professional is, correct?"

Snorting derisively, he says, "Of course I do. After all, I am a professional, whereas you're just a peon slaving away for a paycheck of slight renown."

Ignoring Bob's contempt, Ted continues. "Well, I want this done right, and since I cannot even remotely perform what I want, I'm spending my money wisely, with reputable professionals in their chosen field. Unlike you, who spent gobs of money to publish a....steaming pile of....provocativeness with a vanity publisher of ill-repute. Tell me Bob, have you earned your $4k investment back yet?"

Bob again snorts derisively and turns read from embarrassment. "Well, you know, selling books takes time."

"Really Bob? Takes time, Bob? Bob, your book is so putridly bad, people only buy it when they want to give their farm animals their weekly dose of man-made fiber. Beyond that, your book simply doesn't even rise to the level of a Dick & Jane primer."

"Oh yeah, Mr. Smarmypants? You think that you're hot stuff with your book, do ya? Well let me tell you something. I---"

Ted cut Bob off at the thighs. "Bob. I have talent. You don't. I'm going to use a reputable publisher like KDP, Draft2Digital and Smashwords. And I'm going to take my time doing it. I worked on this bad boy for over five years and I'm very proud of it. Tell me, are you proud of your book, Bob?"

Bob got so red in the face that smoke started billowing from his ears and steam from under his collar. Ted waited a few more minutes to see if anything else was going to happen, but nothing did. So he casually turned back to his computer to finish typing out the particulars to the cover designer about his book cover. 

Ted was very happy with his book and the fact that it was already drumming up a lot of pre-orders, based on his highly successful blog called, "How To Turn Your Current Job Into Your Side Hustle".**

Bob on the other hand, was locked into his office, having a meltdown about not being the best book writer ever.

*not a real book, so far as I know. but in today's strange Amazon world, anything is possible.

**not a real blog, so far as I know, but in today's get rich quick schemes, there should be one.

{c} 2023 by G.B. Miller. All Rights Reserved

Episode #182: I'm A Very Bad Reviewer!

I often review business that I patronize on Google Maps for my local area in Connecticut, and apparently my nearly one dozen reviews have been seen over 1,900 times during the past calendar year. So yes, the adjective in the title means I've been a very good reviewer.

Now because my reviews have been received so well, Google Maps often prods me to do the odd review for places that I've only tangentially visited (note, I do have location turned on for both of my phones). Now I normally dismiss the request, because really, you want me to review a place that I spent a half second driving by?

This time, I thought I would entertain the oddball request with my two favorite flakes, Bob & Ted. The request? Cedar Mountain. To slightly jog your memory, the picture is taken from the plateau near the MDC water tower from about a month ago. In the distance is Farmington, which if I had swung a little to my left would be verified by the Farmington/UCONN Medical Center.

So yesterday (7/22), I went on a hike in the mountain, and through the magic of my favorite flakes, here is my review of said hike. Enjoy!

~~~~~

"Ted, where the heck are you man? I've been waiting for like, forever for you to show your tired lazy ass at the water tower."

"Unlike you Bob, I'm actually getting some exercise by hiking my way to that plateau, and not riding my two thousand dollar electric mountain bike down a relatively safe one third mile trail located at the Humane Society."

"How can you say I'm lazy? It takes a lot of work to maintain my balance while motoring over that rocky trail. After all, I could've skinned my elbow or something valuable if I wasn't careful."

Ted sarcastically blows a raspberry at Bob, because he knows Bob can pull a muscle just by swinging his leg over the seat, and be out of commission for a couple of months. Ted notices that Bob is about five feet from the precipice overlooking the street and school below, and says, "Bob, you ought to move your bike back a little, otherwise you might prove an old cartoon adage actually correct."

Bob pooh-poohs him and says, "Nonsense. I am highly coordinated, thus unconcerned about actually getting hurt."

"Bob, remember what happened the last time you tried to take that ugly monstrosity of yours down one of those back trails? You missed a rock and proceeded to spend the next two minutes tumbling down the trail, with your screams reverberating through the entire mountain until you did that Acme splat."

Bob waved his hand and said, "No I didn't."

"Bob, you actually drowned out that insipid local ice cream truck jingle with your Yosemite Sam screams. Face it man, Eugene from 'Hey Arnold! is safer to be around than you. Anyways, I'm gonna take a few of those conservation greenway trails and become one with Father Nature. You be careful now, you hear?"

Ted goes off on his hike on the local trails, of which there are five mail trails that are marked, of which one takes you to a small loop around the Humane Society. Ted was casually making time hiking on trail #1 which will take him to #5 and a local field when he suddenly heard the loudest bloodcurdling scream wafting through the trees.

Annoyed, he said, "That numbnut," before turning around to head back to the plateau. He arrived back on the main trail just in time to have the sound of the "Acme" splat smack him in the face.

Now even more annoyed, Ted briskly walked to the plateau and unsurprisingly saw that Bob had vacated the premises. He peers over the ledge and sees the tangled, battered remains of his micro-managing boss scattered through a few trees. He yells down, "Bob! Hey Bob! Didn't I warn you not to stand so close to the edge! Anyways, you owe the office dinner next Saturday, so you better find a way to be at work Monday!"

Cedar Mountain, a great place to explore with five local hiking trails in the Greenway that straddles Newington/Wethersfield, plus a half dozen others scattered throughout. Not so great if you're so criminally stupid that a two year old is smarter than you.

{c} 2023 by G.B. Miller. All Rights Reserved

Episode #172: Surrounded By Water, And It's Awesome Baby!

We're on a road to somewhere to the great beyond, or in this case, towards a residential school for those with childlike innocence, a bridge over the mountain and a hike up a 11% grade driveway to a massive water tank.

Before we get hip wader deep into the runniest of today's post, I want to give a bikini thong brief of a writing update. I'm now back in the process of writing book #3 of my trilogy, and up until now, I've realized just how difficult it can be to properly tie up all the proper plot points, of which there are at least 5, so that your series comes to a satisfactory conclusion. Anywho, got two more chapters transcribed and have two more waiting to be transcribed. Current word count sits at 59 words short of 220k.

And now for something completely different. Last week I got a request from a company I do business with asking me to review the 24 pack of bottled water I had purchased a few weeks ago (it's heading into Summer and the house now goes heavy on consuming bottled water). Like, how can you really review bottled water? Well, I'm glad to say that my jaded imagination decided to ask me that very question because it gives me a chance to bring out Bob and Ted. Ya'll remember Bob and Ted from back when I reviewed a shelving unit about a month ago. So, here's the Dullness Duos take on bottled water.

"Hey Bob, I sure am thirsty. Got anything to drink?"

"Just this bottled water that I picked up wholesale, Ted."

"Wholesale? Ewwww, like totally not consuming that stuff."

"Why not? Look, it's good stuff, you don't even have to chew it so much any more." Bob takes a bottle from the pack, shakes it good a couple of times, waits for the naughty bits to settle, then pops it open and takes a swallow.

Ted blanches at Bob chewing his water and says, "Water isn't supposed to be chewable you know. You're supposed to drink it smoothly like a shot of whiskey."

"Buuurp!" says Bob just before wiping the sediment from his lips. "Nonsense, this water is completely fine and it quenches my thirst."

Ted looks quizzically at Bob and asks, "Oh yeah? Where's it bottled?"

Bob reads the side of the bottle and says, "Industrial Waste Site, North America."

Ted immediately turns green and runs to the bathroom. With the sounds of someone violently retching ringing in his ears, Bob shrugs and says, "Ted! It's really good stuff! You can ignore the side effects! I certainly do! I mean, I'm only glowing in the dark now! And my insides are now blueish-green instead of navy blue!"

Wholesale water bottled in a very not nice place. Try it today, it's good eats. Or, give it to someone you don't like very much. Either way, it does a body good.

Note: This is satire/humor. No real people were actually harmed, and I certainly do not recommend anyone drinking bad bottled water. Of any kind. From anywhere.

Remember kids, a creative person is only as good as their imagination. 

{c} 2023 by G.B. Miller. All Rights Reserved

Episode #164: l'm Gonna Shelve That Shelf

The last rainstorm we had {early March} managed to fill the upper pond in Cedar Mountain to the point that the babbling brook you see here had come back to life. The rainstorm was so intense that it actually brought back to life two other rivulets that are normally drier than my skin.

One of the more stranger review requests that I've received over the years/decades, was a request to review a shelving unit that I had purchased from Amazon. Even though I decided to give it a review (boredom I think), I look back on it now and I'm thinking, "how in the world can someone intelligently review a shelving unit?"

Well, it turns out, you can't. I mean in this case, even though you store either c.d.s (yay!) or dvds (boo!), what else can you say about a shelving unit?

"Well Bob, you see, you can store a lot of things on this here shelving unit."

"Ted, the shelving unit is made out of wire. You know, the kind of wire used to make in-boxes for your desk. What else can you store on those shelves, hmmm?"

Ted is kind of lost right now, since his brain is tiny and as a member of upper management, it gets full quite easily. Bob knows this, shoot everyone in the office knows this, but as you well know, any underling that shows a smattering of smarts is not long for the corporate world.

"Ted, is everything alright?"

"Well Bob, you see, you can store lots of things on this here shelving unit."

"Okaaay."

"Bob, give me your hand."

"Why?"

Ted doesn't answer. Instead, he takes Bob's hand and quickly snips off a pinky. Bob screams in pain, while Ted holds up the bloody digit like it was a prized trout, then places it on the shelf.

"See Bob, it holds that pinky as pretty as you please. Here, let me demonstrate again."

"Ted, no! Ted, please, I need those parts!"

Bob's words fall on deaf ears, so to speak, as it takes Ted roughly four minutes to reduce Bob to the minus of all his part. Once the screaming dies down, Ted walks back to his computer and wipes his hands dry on Bob's tweed jacket before sitting down.

He brings up the item in question on the world's second most popular website and writes the following review.

"I have a myriad of other uses for this combo c.d./dvd wire shelving unit, of which one was to house all of my knick-knacks and a few of my participation trophies. It held everything in place, with only a minimal use of twine needed to hold some of the larger knick-knacks in place. If you need a nice decorative, yet highly functional shelving unit to store your personal property, this unit is for you.

"Highly durable and quite adjustable, it's a must if you want to showcase your various collections. I give this a very hearty five star rating."

In short, don't be like Bob, who questioned his superior about his opinion on a particular piece of office furniture. Bob got a very negative quarterly performance review later on for his inappropriate behavior.

{c} 2023 by G.B. Miller. All Rights Reserved

Episode #161: Liquid Or Dry, I Spy With My Little Eye

My darling daughter, who is now 22. Man, I feel so old.

{Please imagine a New England Redneck is reading this to you, with a John Cusack lilt}

One of the strangest requests that I genuinely received for a review of, was from Staples for the modern day version of white out. No, not what you experience while driving nor what woke college students profusely apologize for when they went to a high school that was 96% white.

I'm talking about dry liner, you know, the hand held version of the old typewriter correction tape (please tell me you remember what a typewriter is). Now I know what you must be saying to yourself, "Good God, No! Please, no!" in a voice dripping so heavy with sarcasm that you need to use a saucepan to catch the drippings.

Now, I'm one of those Office Luddites who came so late to the party that he was early for the next. You know what an Office Luddite is, right? We've all had one of those. The person who uses office supplies so old that they were already removed from the official inventory (like #3 pencils). The person who is always finding ways not to spend money on expensive supplies. The person who prefers the product created by Michael Neismith's mother, Liquid Paper.

Now don't get me wrong, I love me some liquid paper (no, no getting high for me, thanks). LOVE ME LIQUID PAPER. Love me a good Democrat politician too, but alas they're an extinct species.

Anywho, back to dry liner.

Like, what the hell am I suppose to write for a review?

"Well Jim, I was able to create really purty straight lines with that white out, just like the kind Reverend O'Toole would tell us to walk after getting thrown into the paddy wagon that took us to County Cork. I mean, it flowed so smooth that if it got any smoother, a brand new fresh box of Always would have to be cracked open."

Yeah....no.

Or maybe...

"Well Jim, with the slightest amount of pressure, the contents get ejected faster than a Democrat saying they can't identify what a woman is. And because it's super dry, I can write the phrase "a menstruating person" without a single smudge in the process."

Hard pass...

Or...or...or...

"Well Jim, unlike liquid paper, which can run and be tacky, dry line will stay in place like a socialist money grubber being elected to Congress. And if you make a mistake, like supporting defund the police, you can easily fix that mistake and now say that you've support all of our Officer Friendlys."

{facepalm hard}

Or...how about an honest review from an honest person?

"Well Jim, Imma twenty-five year old spoiled brat who's working in an office due to my mom being the CEO. I do absolutely nothing regarding work, and I'm untouchable. I use dry liner to steal credit from my co-workers so that I can look good to my mommy. I just strategically place some strips, waddle over to the copier and push my big stomach out of the way so that I can reach the buttons, and PRESTO! I'm the manly neckbeard that no hot woman can resist!"

What...the...hail? (catchphrase courtesy of Stephen He)

Good Lord this review is so far off the rails that Pete Buttigieg just might actually pay attention to it....nah, he would rather make sure the construction industry is ethnically balanced before assigning grants to communities that need it.

This concludes yet another scintillating review of an every day product that is normally unreviewable.

{c} 2023 by G.B. Miller. All Rights Reserved

Episode #159: A Spoon, A Fork, And A Cup Meet At A Buffet

Like most people, I buy lots of stuff from Amazon as well as brick and mortar stores. And probably like some people, I'm often asked to write reviews for the stuff that I buy. While I can understand wanting to write reviews for books and music {and I often did prior to Amazon's change in the minimum amount spent required to leave a review}, leaving a review for an inanimate object {like that yellow frog you see} is quite the challenge.

I mean, I once left one for a c.d. shelving unit I'd purchased some years ago. Had to get creative with it 'cause how many ways can you say, "Easy to put up, holds everything nicely, good bang for the buck."?

Today's post will be my attempt at writing a review for a few inanimate objects, aimed at the typical  Walter Martin shopper. Because no one who has all of their brain cells are really going to read a review about plastique forks, spoons and corrugated paper cups. Least of all moi. 

"Ahem. Welp, I done picked up this here package of forms from my local Staples, 'cause you know recycling there really doesn't matter if it ain't the rinky dink cartridges ya'll jam into them things ya'll call printers. Now far be it for me to tell ya'll how to use a fork, 'cause I'm sure you know what I'm talking about heyuh.

"Anyhow, these forks are made of some seriously durable plastique pebbles heated up to an ungodly temperature before being shoved into a mold which them pops out a fork. Dadgummit, these things taste soooooo good that I often can get all of my daily chemical nutrients three times a day. I tell ya, ya'll better get some for yourself. And yeah, they're good for picking up hog jowls and chicken feets and showing them down your gullet purty as you please.

"Now them spoons, they ain't the hottest thing in the world. I mean, if I wanted to eat some cornpone or some jellied chitlins', I SUPPOSE they be good for that, but dang, them suckers just melt over an open flame in nothing flat, and all I'm left with is a disgusting mush of plastic smelling poppy flower oil, and man that combo does nothing for me beyond making my arm go an ugly green. I done give them a one star rating, 'cause using plastique is stupid. Stick with the metal ones instead.

"Finally, them good ol' paper coffee cups with lids. Welp, the lids are okay I guess, I mean you really can't go wrong with a lid, especially if ya staple it to the sides to keep it in place. I mean that sucker simply ain't gonna move no whar no how.

"But ya know, I done had to cut a hole in the lid, just so I could properly drink that muddy sludge from the river early in the morning. You know the river imma talking about? Right, the one near the chemical plant. The water there makes for some good quality coffee. And you know why Them cups are the only ones that done hold that natural goodness in. Sure 'nuff, if I's lying, I's dying. So man, these cups done get a five start ratin' from me."

I like to thank you for reading my 100% tongue planted quite firmly somewhere in someone's cheek {he says with a Bruce Willis smirk}. Could be mine, could be on a holiday, could be a not so candid snapshot. Or, or, or it could be that I have a vivid imagination and after writing over 200k words to a trilogy, my medical diagnosis, as per Frank Burns, I'm slug nutty.

Have a great week.

{c} 2023 by G.B. Miller. All Rights Reserved