Episode #191: How To Self Publish-A Bob & Ted Review

The fullest moon in recent memory was out the other night {9/27}, so I thought it would be an absolutely smashing idea to grab a couple of pics to add to my growing pile of phone pics. Not bad on the spur of the moment, eh?

While I was trying to think of a topic to write about, I discovered that I haven't done a Bob & Ted review since late July. So I figured, why not? I also figured that, since I'm making the final preparations to drop around four and a half Benjamins to produce another book, this would be a great topic to have our resident flakes Bob & Ted perform a review.

Wish me luck.

~~~~~

We find Ted sitting at his desk, jotting some notes and double checking his checklist, for he decided that today was to be the day that he was gonna take that giant first step and self publish his how-to book called "How To Earn A Full Day's Pay At Any Job By Working Less Than Five Minutes Per Day."*

"Okay, let's see: Money? Check! Graphic designer? Check! Formatter? Check! Copyright registration? Check! No interference from Bob? Ch--"

"Hey! Ted! Teddy-boy! My main man Theo! Theodore!"

Pinching his eyes with his cheek muscles, Ted lets rip with a noxious release of internal combustion remnants and says, "What can I not do for you...Bob."

Since sarcasm of any kind is lost on the man-child that is Bob, Bob continues on his path of most resistance. "So Ted, have you got that thirteen page report on why we should not change our company acronym from D.O.L.T. to D.U.L.L. completed? You know I don't like it when I'm made to look like the fool."

"Yes, Bob. Here it is Bob. Just like you wanted Bob."

Bob snatches the report from Ted's hand, and as he's perusing the contents of the report, he notices some strange bits of paper covered with markings, strewn across the desk.

He closes the report and asks, "What's that strewn across your desk?"

"Notes, Bob. Haven't you ever seen handwritten notes before?"

"So that's what that is? Must be some kind of new invention. So, you have these because, why?"

Ted internally facepalms, but outwardly, he says, "Because I'm getting ready to self publish my book."

Bob leans over and sees the title of the book Ted is pointing at. "Pffft. Who in the wide, wide world of mediocrity is going to read that?"

"You would be amazed at the amount of people who would buy a self-help book like this. It's gonna be a best seller."

"Humph," says Bob as he tries to read what Ted has written but is failing miserably due to his 4th grade comprehension skills. "So, you gonna go through one of them places where they charge you an arm and two legs to publish your book?"

Stunned at the overflowing bucket of stupid oozing from Bob's pores, Ted takes a very deep breath to clear his intake valves before speaking. "Bob....that would be spending money unwisely. I am not like my employer who spends lavishly on moronically stupid things while nickel and dimeing on things that matter. I spend my money wisely on professionals. You do know what a professional is, correct?"

Snorting derisively, he says, "Of course I do. After all, I am a professional, whereas you're just a peon slaving away for a paycheck of slight renown."

Ignoring Bob's contempt, Ted continues. "Well, I want this done right, and since I cannot even remotely perform what I want, I'm spending my money wisely, with reputable professionals in their chosen field. Unlike you, who spent gobs of money to publish a....steaming pile of....provocativeness with a vanity publisher of ill-repute. Tell me Bob, have you earned your $4k investment back yet?"

Bob again snorts derisively and turns read from embarrassment. "Well, you know, selling books takes time."

"Really Bob? Takes time, Bob? Bob, your book is so putridly bad, people only buy it when they want to give their farm animals their weekly dose of man-made fiber. Beyond that, your book simply doesn't even rise to the level of a Dick & Jane primer."

"Oh yeah, Mr. Smarmypants? You think that you're hot stuff with your book, do ya? Well let me tell you something. I---"

Ted cut Bob off at the thighs. "Bob. I have talent. You don't. I'm going to use a reputable publisher like KDP, Draft2Digital and Smashwords. And I'm going to take my time doing it. I worked on this bad boy for over five years and I'm very proud of it. Tell me, are you proud of your book, Bob?"

Bob got so red in the face that smoke started billowing from his ears and steam from under his collar. Ted waited a few more minutes to see if anything else was going to happen, but nothing did. So he casually turned back to his computer to finish typing out the particulars to the cover designer about his book cover. 

Ted was very happy with his book and the fact that it was already drumming up a lot of pre-orders, based on his highly successful blog called, "How To Turn Your Current Job Into Your Side Hustle".**

Bob on the other hand, was locked into his office, having a meltdown about not being the best book writer ever.

*not a real book, so far as I know. but in today's strange Amazon world, anything is possible.

**not a real blog, so far as I know, but in today's get rich quick schemes, there should be one.

{c} 2023 by G.B. Miller. All Rights Reserved