{Please imagine a New England Redneck is reading this to you, with a John Cusack lilt}
One of the strangest requests that I genuinely received for a review of, was from Staples for the modern day version of white out. No, not what you experience while driving nor what woke college students profusely apologize for when they went to a high school that was 96% white.
I'm talking about dry liner, you know, the hand held version of the old typewriter correction tape (please tell me you remember what a typewriter is). Now I know what you must be saying to yourself, "Good God, No! Please, no!" in a voice dripping so heavy with sarcasm that you need to use a saucepan to catch the drippings.
Now, I'm one of those Office Luddites who came so late to the party that he was early for the next. You know what an Office Luddite is, right? We've all had one of those. The person who uses office supplies so old that they were already removed from the official inventory (like #3 pencils). The person who is always finding ways not to spend money on expensive supplies. The person who prefers the product created by Michael Neismith's mother, Liquid Paper.
Now don't get me wrong, I love me some liquid paper (no, no getting high for me, thanks). LOVE ME LIQUID PAPER. Love me a good Democrat politician too, but alas they're an extinct species.
Anywho, back to dry liner.
Like, what the hell am I suppose to write for a review?
"Well Jim, I was able to create really purty straight lines with that white out, just like the kind Reverend O'Toole would tell us to walk after getting thrown into the paddy wagon that took us to County Cork. I mean, it flowed so smooth that if it got any smoother, a brand new fresh box of Always would have to be cracked open."
Yeah....no.
Or maybe...
"Well Jim, with the slightest amount of pressure, the contents get ejected faster than a Democrat saying they can't identify what a woman is. And because it's super dry, I can write the phrase "a menstruating person" without a single smudge in the process."
Hard pass...
Or...or...or...
"Well Jim, unlike liquid paper, which can run and be tacky, dry line will stay in place like a socialist money grubber being elected to Congress. And if you make a mistake, like supporting defund the police, you can easily fix that mistake and now say that you've support all of our Officer Friendlys."
{facepalm hard}
Or...how about an honest review from an honest person?
"Well Jim, Imma twenty-five year old spoiled brat who's working in an office due to my mom being the CEO. I do absolutely nothing regarding work, and I'm untouchable. I use dry liner to steal credit from my co-workers so that I can look good to my mommy. I just strategically place some strips, waddle over to the copier and push my big stomach out of the way so that I can reach the buttons, and PRESTO! I'm the manly neckbeard that no hot woman can resist!"
What...the...hail? (catchphrase courtesy of Stephen He)
Good Lord this review is so far off the rails that Pete Buttigieg just might actually pay attention to it....nah, he would rather make sure the construction industry is ethnically balanced before assigning grants to communities that need it.
This concludes yet another scintillating review of an every day product that is normally unreviewable.
Any one of those works for me!
ReplyDeleteI think all of them would work for me, and then some.
DeleteNot only do I remember what typewriters were, I remember when the new, super-advanced technology that came on the market was . . . the electric typewriter! And I remember the typewriter eraser pencils that you had to use when you made a mistake. Terrible! Then White Out correction fluid came along -- it was like heaven to use, by comparison. And then -- miracles of miracles -- the self-correcting typewriter where you just had to backspace and the typewriter ribbon itself removed the typo with a White Out ribbon!
ReplyDeleteNow that typewriters are no more, I can't possibly imagine what White Out is used for these days, except perhaps to overlay written errors. But who writes anything with a pen anymore?
Like I said in the post, I was one of those Office Luddites, so at my last job, we had bizarro supplies like liquid paper (lots), so I was the one the used it, a lot. I got a lot of horror stories about that as well.
DeleteWith state agencies, there are a few typewriters floating around mostly gathering dust though.
I actually enjoy using the dry stuff for writing. Still a Luddite to a degree, but we learned to adapt and have fun with it.
Lol ! I have 2 typewriters in storage somewhere. A Smith Corona portable, and an electric my bro gave me. Funny they could be worth some bucks now, if I clean the dust off. I also have a small, sturdy typing table to use them on. I would like time to set up an office for the fun stuff again someday, when I am rich.
ReplyDeleteI dream of affording my own spacious place again, someday.
I have used that dry stuff, and loved it on screwed up legal forms, but find liquid more fun on tax forms when too messy.
-Ev/SnaggleTooth
I think the last time that I had used a typewriter in my house was when I was in high school and had to write an essay for English, so that's going on about 40 years.
DeleteI often thought about getting one periodically in the preceding decades, but I would often talk myself out it.
I use dry line mostly for my writing now, and sometimes when I'm doing the mail when I have to fix addresses. Still partial to the liquid stuff though, but sometimes it's just, 'meh'.