Episode #159: A Spoon, A Fork, And A Cup Meet At A Buffet

Like most people, I buy lots of stuff from Amazon as well as brick and mortar stores. And probably like some people, I'm often asked to write reviews for the stuff that I buy. While I can understand wanting to write reviews for books and music {and I often did prior to Amazon's change in the minimum amount spent required to leave a review}, leaving a review for an inanimate object {like that yellow frog you see} is quite the challenge.

I mean, I once left one for a c.d. shelving unit I'd purchased some years ago. Had to get creative with it 'cause how many ways can you say, "Easy to put up, holds everything nicely, good bang for the buck."?

Today's post will be my attempt at writing a review for a few inanimate objects, aimed at the typical  Walter Martin shopper. Because no one who has all of their brain cells are really going to read a review about plastique forks, spoons and corrugated paper cups. Least of all moi. 

"Ahem. Welp, I done picked up this here package of forms from my local Staples, 'cause you know recycling there really doesn't matter if it ain't the rinky dink cartridges ya'll jam into them things ya'll call printers. Now far be it for me to tell ya'll how to use a fork, 'cause I'm sure you know what I'm talking about heyuh.

"Anyhow, these forks are made of some seriously durable plastique pebbles heated up to an ungodly temperature before being shoved into a mold which them pops out a fork. Dadgummit, these things taste soooooo good that I often can get all of my daily chemical nutrients three times a day. I tell ya, ya'll better get some for yourself. And yeah, they're good for picking up hog jowls and chicken feets and showing them down your gullet purty as you please.

"Now them spoons, they ain't the hottest thing in the world. I mean, if I wanted to eat some cornpone or some jellied chitlins', I SUPPOSE they be good for that, but dang, them suckers just melt over an open flame in nothing flat, and all I'm left with is a disgusting mush of plastic smelling poppy flower oil, and man that combo does nothing for me beyond making my arm go an ugly green. I done give them a one star rating, 'cause using plastique is stupid. Stick with the metal ones instead.

"Finally, them good ol' paper coffee cups with lids. Welp, the lids are okay I guess, I mean you really can't go wrong with a lid, especially if ya staple it to the sides to keep it in place. I mean that sucker simply ain't gonna move no whar no how.

"But ya know, I done had to cut a hole in the lid, just so I could properly drink that muddy sludge from the river early in the morning. You know the river imma talking about? Right, the one near the chemical plant. The water there makes for some good quality coffee. And you know why Them cups are the only ones that done hold that natural goodness in. Sure 'nuff, if I's lying, I's dying. So man, these cups done get a five start ratin' from me."

I like to thank you for reading my 100% tongue planted quite firmly somewhere in someone's cheek {he says with a Bruce Willis smirk}. Could be mine, could be on a holiday, could be a not so candid snapshot. Or, or, or it could be that I have a vivid imagination and after writing over 200k words to a trilogy, my medical diagnosis, as per Frank Burns, I'm slug nutty.

Have a great week.

{c} 2023 by G.B. Miller. All Rights Reserved