Episode #182: I'm A Very Bad Reviewer!

I often review business that I patronize on Google Maps for my local area in Connecticut, and apparently my nearly one dozen reviews have been seen over 1,900 times during the past calendar year. So yes, the adjective in the title means I've been a very good reviewer.

Now because my reviews have been received so well, Google Maps often prods me to do the odd review for places that I've only tangentially visited (note, I do have location turned on for both of my phones). Now I normally dismiss the request, because really, you want me to review a place that I spent a half second driving by?

This time, I thought I would entertain the oddball request with my two favorite flakes, Bob & Ted. The request? Cedar Mountain. To slightly jog your memory, the picture is taken from the plateau near the MDC water tower from about a month ago. In the distance is Farmington, which if I had swung a little to my left would be verified by the Farmington/UCONN Medical Center.

So yesterday (7/22), I went on a hike in the mountain, and through the magic of my favorite flakes, here is my review of said hike. Enjoy!

~~~~~

"Ted, where the heck are you man? I've been waiting for like, forever for you to show your tired lazy ass at the water tower."

"Unlike you Bob, I'm actually getting some exercise by hiking my way to that plateau, and not riding my two thousand dollar electric mountain bike down a relatively safe one third mile trail located at the Humane Society."

"How can you say I'm lazy? It takes a lot of work to maintain my balance while motoring over that rocky trail. After all, I could've skinned my elbow or something valuable if I wasn't careful."

Ted sarcastically blows a raspberry at Bob, because he knows Bob can pull a muscle just by swinging his leg over the seat, and be out of commission for a couple of months. Ted notices that Bob is about five feet from the precipice overlooking the street and school below, and says, "Bob, you ought to move your bike back a little, otherwise you might prove an old cartoon adage actually correct."

Bob pooh-poohs him and says, "Nonsense. I am highly coordinated, thus unconcerned about actually getting hurt."

"Bob, remember what happened the last time you tried to take that ugly monstrosity of yours down one of those back trails? You missed a rock and proceeded to spend the next two minutes tumbling down the trail, with your screams reverberating through the entire mountain until you did that Acme splat."

Bob waved his hand and said, "No I didn't."

"Bob, you actually drowned out that insipid local ice cream truck jingle with your Yosemite Sam screams. Face it man, Eugene from 'Hey Arnold! is safer to be around than you. Anyways, I'm gonna take a few of those conservation greenway trails and become one with Father Nature. You be careful now, you hear?"

Ted goes off on his hike on the local trails, of which there are five mail trails that are marked, of which one takes you to a small loop around the Humane Society. Ted was casually making time hiking on trail #1 which will take him to #5 and a local field when he suddenly heard the loudest bloodcurdling scream wafting through the trees.

Annoyed, he said, "That numbnut," before turning around to head back to the plateau. He arrived back on the main trail just in time to have the sound of the "Acme" splat smack him in the face.

Now even more annoyed, Ted briskly walked to the plateau and unsurprisingly saw that Bob had vacated the premises. He peers over the ledge and sees the tangled, battered remains of his micro-managing boss scattered through a few trees. He yells down, "Bob! Hey Bob! Didn't I warn you not to stand so close to the edge! Anyways, you owe the office dinner next Saturday, so you better find a way to be at work Monday!"

Cedar Mountain, a great place to explore with five local hiking trails in the Greenway that straddles Newington/Wethersfield, plus a half dozen others scattered throughout. Not so great if you're so criminally stupid that a two year old is smarter than you.

{c} 2023 by G.B. Miller. All Rights Reserved