"Wait..wut?! I forgot to write a blog post?! Holy Slip Of The Brain Batman! What do I do?"
"How should I know Boy Blunder? You're the one that got yourself into wearing a full diaper, it's up to you to get yourself changed. What kind of guardian would I be if I helped you out?"
"A helicopter guardian?"
Batman throws a fractured look at the Boy Blunder, before saying, "You better have that diaper changed and this blog smelling like a field of wildflowers by the time I return, or you will be punished."
Boy Blunder goes wide-eyed in fear, for he knows that if he doesn't clean himself up, he'll be forced to listen to speeches from the bad side of the House and Senate for an entire twenty-four hours. Resigned to his fate, he morosely sits down in front of his facsimile of the old Smith-Corona Electric Typewriter and starts pecking away on his blog post. Seriously, with two fingers and both thumbs.
~~~~~~
The weekend started like any other weekend for me, for I was full of vim, vigor and energy busting at the seams. Not even the fact that a holiday not the 4th, Memorial Day or Christmas actually caused the banks to close on a Saturday could make me deviate from my plan: walking to break my personal record.
By the time 1:30p rolled around, I had my personal errands done, had my stuffed rabbit all cleaned and dusted off, and finished my thirty minute Gregorian chant/ode to my miniature garden gnome. I was ready to rock and waddle down the road to my own private Ohio. Got properly dressed like a typical teenager would on a cold blustery day, and off I went on my walk.
I traveled hither. I traveled yither. I traveled yon. Yon go me to the charming neighborhoods where the normal people don't visit, because who wants to visit MLMs with any kind of regularity? But, I soldiered on and dodged all those MLM and Amway representatives, because I are not smart. Anywho, we made it back to a main road, one that I delightfully walked last summer when I didn't have so much vim, vigor and energy for, and after looking both ways thrice, crossed it.
Immediately I found myself in a land where time stayed stuck in the 90's, where people actually cared about their manicured lawns, did spiffy landscaping and walked their tiny little yippers. I managed to dodge those little yippers by dropping to the ground cowering in fear until they walked by. When I'd received the odd puzzled look from random passers-by, I said, "What? I love dogs! It's their owners I'm afraid of!"
So after cleaning myself off, I soldiered on. I soon found myself in a wooded area with a gravel path that eventually changed into a paved path. A paved path that used recycled sound bites from people who have for the past 8 (that's right, 8) years allowed #44 to employ squatter's rights inside their feeble, tired minds. And before you ask, yes I did hear some faint screaming when the blustery wind blew through the bare trees. But I didn't explore the screams any further and continued onwards.
Some twenty minutes later, I found myself in a lovely senior citizens housing complex. Complete with actual breathing senior citizens. I think. Maybe. I did see three...and the sign did say Senior Citizen Housing....so there. Anyways, I stood in the parking lot trying to ascertain what way I wanted to go, because it really is hard to see through paneled fence. But with my keen x-ray vision, I chose the road that legitimately is less traveled, cause you know, a cul-de-sac.
Off I went again, fondly remembering the nifty bicycle accidents I had while cutting across the greenery in my younger days. I wandered up the cul-de-sac and eventually found my way to the other cul-de-sac, then to the actual main drive, with wasn't being driven manually. After making an executive decisions, we made that RIGHT turn at Albuquerque and waddled my way to the shopping place, cause we wanted to check out a brand new store that catered to those on limited income and/or enjoyed quality cheap stuff.
So we checked out the store and lo and behold, this bad boy was actually CLEANER THAN A POOP DECK. I mean, holy altar of Arnold, this place was absolutely tidy and spotless. It just blew my tiny mind away that a business could actually care about their customers...well, after picking up my jaw from the concrete floor, I searched and found my favorite item for writing (dry liner), checked out and continued on my walk.
Because we still had that original goal in mind, we decided that we were going to "circle back" and try to beat that personal record of mine. So after completing take #7A, we restarted our walk. We meandered through the plaza briefly to see if the local Bucks with 10 point Stars was open again after receiving a tummy tuck and a face-lift (it was), before continuing down the local drag-strip.
At the corner of the drag strip, a decision had to be made on what direction I wanted to take: go straight and wander some of the back roads, thus prolonging the amount of sunshine that I didn't steal, or commit gluttony. Obviously I chose gluttony, because ya know.... So continuing down the other speedway (not to be confused with chain of the same), we eventually came across Paul Bunyon's infamous toothpick.
No jiving, this thing was humongous. Biggest toothpick I done seen and I was amazed that this thing hadn't blown over yet. Scratching my head, I ignored the sniveling sneers that the houses were throwing at me, which I was easily, with a calorie or two burned, to bat away. So I continued my hop, step and the world's tiniest jump down the street until I came to the new and actually improved crosswalk. Overjoyed, I waited anxiously for the light to change because I was rapidly losing sunlight, even though the clock said 3:15ish. But it rings and I wipe the sleep from my eyes and cross the street.
Now it was a race against time to see I would get home before the sun vanished. But I had no fear because the Robin Hood investment app would soon come to my rescue. Or maybe not, because as soon as the sun started sinking low, that gosh darn fiddle of Johnny's made an appearance. Shocked, just schlocked, I said," adios" to the horse it rode in on and left.
Some twenty-five minutes later, after bathing in the glory of an afternoon delight, I found myself at the crossroads of Here Avenue and Now Boulevard. Strange as though it may sound, I was actually jumping for you, because even though I didn't have five hundred miles to walk, I did have two, which required me to put one foot in front of the other.
Which I accomplished with great gusto and presence of mind. We waddled and staggered and walked a little diagonal as we inched our way around our alma mater (elementary that is) to hit the back end of my walk, which turned out not to be so much of back end but simply the front end of another back end.
Note: for those who are curious, I, the Boy Blunder was listening to my podcasts all while on my not-so-arduous journey of unsound mind, so I was becoming educated while burning calories.
Once again, we sucked it up and pursued our mind-numbingly tedious zig-zag through the side streets until I hit the second to last main drag that I needed to cross. Fortunately for me, because I wasn't in funky town or on the boulevard of broken dreams but merely on the road to nowhere, traffic was sparse and crossing the road to the other side was safe, simple and stress free.
Into the homestretch, we started picking up the pace and actually started mapping out extra road to walk on, just in case if we fell short. Which we temporarily did when we crossed that inviting threshold. But, not to worry, we managed to bet our record.....once we went to the supermarket to pick up a few things, because I, The Boy Blunder, not to be confused with the Blue Beetle, can actually complete my assigned task, no matter how much kicking and screaming I do, for I am a wild and crazy guy.
Sunday was spent goofing off to the point of not remembering to do anything worthwhile besides reading, crossword puzzles and pondering the meaning of Brian's life. So kids, don't spend your day pondering the meaning of Brian's life when you can do something even better, like trying to decide if the world does indeed revolve around you.
"Boy Blunder," LOL!
ReplyDeleteCan't remember the source as it was about 30+ years ago, but it's always stuck with me. Maybe MAD Magazine?
ReplyDelete